On stars and deities, a few of my thoughts.

Last night I stepped out on my front steps to smoke a cigarette and looked up to see a crystal clear night with a crescent moon and some very bright stars staring down at me. It made me homesick for the home of my youth out in the country, where I could see so many more stars that didn't have to compete with the sickly orange glow of sodium vapor lights.

I used to love to go outside and lay on the driveway to best see the gorgeous night sky. The countless stars always made me wonder if there was someone else out there, so very far away, doing exactly what I was doing. I would look at all of those points of light and know that we were not alone, and it was an oddly comforting thought.

Considering that I was raised catholic and then spent a few years as a nondenominational xtian, maybe it was surprising that I distinctly recall never looked at those stars wondering about a god or a divine plan. But then again, maybe it isn't surprising. I think my star-watching was one of the first steps in my questioning quest that led me eventually identifying as an atheist and humanist.

I am still not exactly sure what I believe on a lot of things, but I do know that there's no great being out there. It has never made sense to me to think otherwise.

Several years ago, a friend of mine (whom I have lost track of and would love to find again) attempted suicide and survived. After, he became a devout buddhist. In a long conversation one day, he told me, "When you have come close to death, you know that there's something out there." His answer was buddhism.

A few years after that conversation, over six years ago now, I faced death in my own life. I had a heart attack at the age of 38. In the years since (and two subsequent return trips to the hospital after similar heart issues and close calls with death) I have examined my life, my thoughts, and what I see in the world for a similar experience to my friend. What did I discover? The exact opposite of my friend, in fact. My own close encounters with death have brought me to the conclusion that there is nothing out there in the supernatural realm. And I am OK with that. To me, it makes total sense.