On stars and deities, a few of my thoughts.

Last night I stepped out on my front steps to smoke a cigarette and looked up to see a crystal clear night with a crescent moon and some very bright stars staring down at me. It made me homesick for the home of my youth out in the country, where I could see so many more stars that didn't have to compete with the sickly orange glow of sodium vapor lights.

I used to love to go outside and lay on the driveway to best see the gorgeous night sky. The countless stars always made me wonder if there was someone else out there, so very far away, doing exactly what I was doing. I would look at all of those points of light and know that we were not alone, and it was an oddly comforting thought.

Considering that I was raised catholic and then spent a few years as a nondenominational xtian, maybe it was surprising that I distinctly recall never looked at those stars wondering about a god or a divine plan. But then again, maybe it isn't surprising. I think my star-watching was one of the first steps in my questioning quest that led me eventually identifying as an atheist and humanist.

I am still not exactly sure what I believe on a lot of things, but I do know that there's no great being out there. It has never made sense to me to think otherwise.

Several years ago, a friend of mine (whom I have lost track of and would love to find again) attempted suicide and survived. After, he became a devout buddhist. In a long conversation one day, he told me, "When you have come close to death, you know that there's something out there." His answer was buddhism.

A few years after that conversation, over six years ago now, I faced death in my own life. I had a heart attack at the age of 38. In the years since (and two subsequent return trips to the hospital after similar heart issues and close calls with death) I have examined my life, my thoughts, and what I see in the world for a similar experience to my friend. What did I discover? The exact opposite of my friend, in fact. My own close encounters with death have brought me to the conclusion that there is nothing out there in the supernatural realm. And I am OK with that. To me, it makes total sense.

When a dream is disturbing....

This afternoon I lay down for a nap, figuring it would be my usual 20-60 minutes. Just under 2 hours later I woke up and remembered bits and pieces of a long and involved dream. This might not be disturbing in and of itself, but one of my long-term issues is that I very seldom remember even having dreamed, let alone details of a dream.

The dream itself wasn't disturbing. In fact, it was actually a pretty intriguing one, from the parts I do recall. I was living in a massive house that hadn't been lived in for a very long time, and had entire sections to myself. My best friend was also living in other sections with his birds. In the dream I had a dream, wherein I saw the entire plot and two compelling lead characters for a fantasy novel, one good scene was very explicit. Our massive house had an unused conservatory that we decided would become my writing area, and we were cleaning it up. Then I began writing, then typing the new masterpiece. I recall my friend bringing out one of his birds (not one of the five he really does own) out to be part of my inspiration.

I woke up.

Not only did I remember having a dream, but I remembered having a dream within a dream. And what I do remember is good, possibly inspiring. Part of the dream within a dream was the male lead character. I don't remember the details, but I woke up with a sense of loss for him, and a distinct empathy for the female lead. But that's about it.


So, tell me, why have I been a nervous wreck since waking up at just before 5:00 PM, over six hours ago? I have been antsy, my hands shaking, feeling like I want to cry, and definitely out of it.

There's little to go on, except this anxiety that I cannot put a finger on the cause nor the solution. I figured I would write it here and see if it helped. Not so much, but it didn't hurt, either. 

I've Finally Given In

I set up a gmail account and my first blog, outside of the occasional rant on MySpace or Facebook's Notes, that is. I am not sure why I chose to do this, but let's see how I do. You see, I suck at journaling. LOL

I guess my hope is that I can develop some self-discipline regarding my writing, and possibly my life in general. That is provided I remember my log in info. :-0